Funny College Admission Essay Nyu Albert

Did you receive my application?
A message from the Dean of Admissions

Since January 1, this has been our most-asked question – we’re hearing it by email, by phone, even on social media. Here are a few things to know if you’re feeling anxious about the status of your application:

  1. You should receive an application acknowledgement email with both your Net ID and University ID (N Number) within 10 business days of submission. You should use these IDs to activate your NYU account at start.nyu.edu, so that you can check the status of your application in NYU Albert.

    To check the status of your application, first make sure your pop-up blocker is off. Details on how to turn off your pop-up blocker are available here. Then follow these steps:
         1. Log into albert.nyu.edu
         2. Navigate to the Applicants section and click on the Application Status link

    Please note that there is a lag between when we receive your application documents, and when your status is updated in our system.

  2. You already know that we take our January 1st deadline very seriously. But, we also understand that the applicant isn’t the only one who needs to submit materials to us to complete your application. As long as you submitted your application through the Common Application website, you can rest assured that we will review your application. If we are missing any of your supporting documents, we will reach out to you about what we need, and when we need it – we won't count that against you, but you may only have a few days from when we contact you to get us the missing documents. So keep an eye on the email address that you provided in your Common Application, and check your spam folder periodically, just in case.

  3. Please be patient. It may not surprise you that we receive most of our applications in the day or so leading up to the deadline. That means we received over a million documents in just a few days. It takes a while to sort through all of those, so we do have delays in the weeks following our January 1st deadline.

We will begin giving status checks by phone after January 16th. Thank you again for your application, and for wanting to ensure that everything is just right – we’ll let you know if it isn’t.

It seems that Hugh Gallagher wrote this for a national writing contest, and that an Urban Legend has since arisen that he wrote it as an actual application essay.

18 June 1998, update. Hugh Gallagher emailed me(!), and said: "I was happy to see my college essay on your site (by the the way, I did send it to colleges)". So that's that Urban Legend laid to rest, then? He also said "... and my first novel, Teeth, was published by Pocket Books this Spring. ... It's a coming of age tale about a guy with really messed up teeth, who goes travelling around the world instead of fixing his mouth." If it's told with anything like the style and wit of what follows, it should be great!


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

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